Anamnesis
by attaccabottoni
Summary: [future fic] One of Superman's hidden powers is being able to carry the weight of all Clark Kent knows.


**Anamnesis**

by Attaccabottoni

**Disclaimer:** The difference between this fiction and the one from which these characters came from is the money made in making it. If it seems like I don't remember which is which, then it's my problem not yours.

* * *

When he's in Metropolis, he's got his hands full working on a story with Lois, writing a piece criticizing Lex's interchangeable policies on business and metahuman activity and scientific research, or simultaneously both as it often happens. When he's rescuing people from one of Lex's engineered schemes or the consequences of it, which sometimes includes Lex himself, he's too busy outmaneuvering traps, planning a counter-attack or his mandatory telling off speech, and anticipating his arch-enemy's next moves. 

When he's in the Fortress, he's preoccupied with conferring with the AI concerning the statistics of LexCorp's latest high-tech product going rogue, or arguing with it on the long-standing issue of Lex's continuing survival.

When he's in Smallville, however, the time-consuming tasks of running errands for his mother, doing chores around the farm, or simply lounging in the original Fortress do not stop his imagination from running away from him.

While he was watching Lex change, while he was unable to stop being suspicious of Lex's motives, while he responded to Lex's hatred with the appropriately vindicating amount, and while he at times thought about how his life would have turned out if he never met Lex, he hadn't considered to picture how things would be like if they weren't friends any longer.

He had seen their closeness and camaraderie deteriorate into something that made his feelings for Lex become nothing but overwhelmingly hateful that he sometimes blocks any recollection of what they used to mean to each other, but he still likes the sound of "Clark Kent and Lex Luthor" in his head, and never doubts that there will always be something between them, even if they don't know each other anymore.

During particularly bad days when innocent people's lives are endangered and Lex's sharp smile of satisfaction made him wish to undo the act of keeping the maniac in a Porsche from drowning in a river, he doesn't think to regret not knowing that same young man who had once given him a truck and a lot of promises.

So in Smallville, Lex follows Clark wherever he goes.

He lets both vague and specific details during these trips trigger these imaginary conversations, and it never occurs to him to take conscious control over it. It is like being fifteen again, Clark feeling awkward and not knowing what to say even in pretend, so Lex had to be the first one to talk. He never calls him Superman, Kal-El, or his many creatively derogatory terms for the alien, because here he is only Clark.

In his mind's eye, Lex often looks at him with sadness.

* * *

While driving by the mansion: 

_Clark, I really don't appreciate your Casper the friendly ghost references when you visualize me in fencing uniform.  
_

_Well if you're going to haunt me in my head, I can't let you throw things at me._

* * *

While running past Riley Field: 

_Clark, I never thanked you enough for saving me and being my friend, even if you had to be an alien that came with radioactive rocks.  
_

_I never thanked you enough for helping me and this town lots of times either, even while you were becoming obsessed with the alien and the rocks._

* * *

While visiting the caves: 

_Clark, you have to know that I didn't see you as a pawn in my plans or a test subject I had to experiment on. When I looked at you, I saw a friend I had to protect._

_For someone with funky multipurpose vision, I wasn't much of a reporter then, so it was hard being objective. But you have to know that whenever I see you, I always look for my friend. I know he's still in there._

* * *

While watching the flow of water below Loeb Bridge: 

_Clark, you made your choices, and I made mine._

_I just wish we knew where we were going._

* * *

While dropping off the pie deliveries at the Talon: 

_Clark, I only wanted to secure your happiness, as well as those of your family and friends. I couldn't have known Lana and the others if not for you, and without you I wouldn't even be alive to meet them._

_Not everyone found their happiness in this town. Sometimes they fall from the sky, crash into you, and use your desires to turn you into something else. Sometimes you have to make your own happiness._

* * *

While in the loft, facing the fading sunset: 

_Clark, I'm not doing this because of you._

_No, because you don't know how responsible I am._

* * *

While staring at the stars through the ceiling of his old bedroom, unable to sleep: 

_Clark, I wouldn't want you to think of me this way._

_I know. It's just... I can't have you any other way._

* * *

While eating the breakfast his mother insists he take before leaving: 

_Clark, I always meant to be the ruler of all I survey. You can't blame anyone else if I do what I have to._

_Yeah, but are you happy? I'm afraid the day will come when I don't know what **I** have to do._

* * *

He doesn't let nostalgia get to him beyond the borders of Smallville, because his job (_"People can't fly, Lex"_) and the rest of the world (_"We have a future, Clark"_) are waiting for him there. 

Yet sometimes, he dreams of the ghost of the past calling him home, and he resists waking up to the reality that home only exists in his sensory memory.


End file.
